


A Crown of Guilt

by Kingsdoodles



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingsdoodles/pseuds/Kingsdoodles
Summary: The Anniversary of the Chantry Explosion approaches leaving Hawke to dwell in the mistakes he had made.
Relationships: Fenris/Hawke (Dragon Age), Fenris/Male Hawke
Kudos: 10





	A Crown of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> First off I’m not a writer but I did this just so I can get my feelings out about my horrendous first play through. I made so many bad decisions and it got worse as I played. I felt bad for Hawke.... I also found it neat that Hawke becomes viscount if you side with the Templars. Which I did because Fenris. I made so many bad decisions.

“Varric, I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Do what Hawke?” Varric asked as he helped Hawke clean up the mess of paperwork in his office. He looked up when the large man set the viscount crown down on the desk.

“You know what I mean,” Hawke said as he walked to the window and looked down over the city of Kirkwall still trying to recover from the explosion. From the battle that set everything in motion. It wasn’t just chaos inside the gates. The whole world was up in arms with the repercussions of Anders’ actions.

Varric continued to shuffle papers and read through them as he organized them on the desk. He watched Hawke out of the corner of his eye. The champion of Kirkwall, a grand title for someone who now seemed in need of a good night’s rest. There were heavy bags under his eyes, and grey slowly coming to light in the hair at his temples. Even if it’s only been just a year since the city had elected him to be the new viscount it had done its wear and tear on the man. Not to mention the years before.

“Can I ask what brought this on?” Varric asked as he finished his half of the organization. Hawke just continued looking out the window. Varric sighed and took a seat waiting for the other to talk when he was ready.

Hawke turned those tired eyes to Varric, “It’s… you know.”

“Not really following here, waffles.”

“It’s been a year since everything. The whole shit show that happened to this city,” Hawke elaborated as he waved a hand about. Before Turning his attention back to the city below.

“It is,” Varric nodded with a bit more understanding, “and this had you thinking of early retirement? To leave the city to its own devices till they elect another poor whelp to take your place?”

“That’s the idea,” Hawke scowled, “anytime I try to reason with people it just becomes a mess. I don’t really know who’s on what side, who’s double dealing, and who will end up dead next because of my decisions. I’m tired of trying to please everyone when I’m so horrendously bad at it.”

Varric understood where Hawke was coming from. He was a good man that most took advantage of and one of those people still held heavy in Hawke’s heart.

Anders death hadn’t been pretty and the last thing Hawke had wanted to do. Not that the mage had left Hawke a choice in the matter. Siding with the Templars had been hard enough when his sister was a mage, but it brought order to the city as well as stopped more from dying. Varric never once faulted him for that decision. Anders had, and Hawke had to deal with the consequences.

A lot of the choices Hawke had made during those years hadn’t been easy and all Varric could do was counsel and lend an ear when needed. Even if there was more he wished he could do.

“The people think your doing a great job,” Varric said as he leaned back, “they so do love their champion viscount. You do a lot for them Hawke.”

“You know that isn’t true Varric. The people do too. You do more of the work than I do,” Hawke rebutted as he moved away from the window. He took his seat in the large chair behind his desk so he could finish shuffling through the papers he’d need to review tomorrow.

“Sure I help but you’re the one who still gets things moving,” Varric replies lifting an eyebrow. Hawke just looked him straight in the face with an incredulous look.

“Alright, but I think you should give it more thought Hawke,” Varric said, “a week or so. Hell maybe you just need a vacation from this city. It does have a way of getting to people. Aveline won’t like it but it sounds like you need it.”

Hawke chuckled as he picked up his quill, “she would have a cow when she hears. I don’t know why she puts up with me. She could have left like the others.” He signed a few forms then set them down to dry.

“Only Isabella is really gone, waffles. You’re just too stubborn to try and reconcile with broody.”

“I am not… he doesn’t want much to do with me now.”

“I don’t think making assumptions about what he wants will help. Is that why you want to quit?”

“Maker no,” Hawke chuckled shaking his head, “the grey hair alone from this job makes me want to quit. It’s no wonder why Dumar had no hair. I’d rather retire now so people remember me as I really am. Dashingly handsome with a head full of luscious locks.”

Varric gave a hearty laugh at that before walking over to Hawke and giving him a good pat on the shoulder. “You’ve got a good heart Hawke. Don’t let the weight of the world crush it. Take some time off.”

“Is there a way for a viscount to take vacation? Some kind of form that needs signing in triplicate?” Hawke teased as he stood to head out of the office, Varric close behind. He picked up a quill as he reviewed one more parchment.

“I think you just tell a person and be done with it,” Varric shrugged, “or you could just go missing for weeks and only show up when you want to.”

“As tempting as that is, Aveline knows where I live.”

Another chuckle came from Varric as Hawke finished signing the document and set it aside to be handed over tomorrow. He stood up straight with a groan and a stretch that caused his back to crack. “I’m getting old Varric,” Hawke grumbled as they both made their way out of the office and down the stairs.

“You and me both.”

Hawke chuckled as he opened the door to the keep. “I think I’m going to the hanged man tonight? Will you be there?” He asked as they took their time through hightown, “we could play a game of diamondback.”

“Unfortunately I have another meeting tonight with a merchant heading to Orzammar. He talks too much but I gotta make this deal. Otherwise I would.”

“Alright, you go and get that deal made. Another time then?”

“Another time. Make sure to drink for me waffles.”

“I was already planning on it if you came or not,” Hawke said as he puffed out his chest with faux pride. Varric just shook his head with a chuckle before turning down a different street to go meet this merchant.

“Don’t drink so much you end up butt naked outside of your house again. Bethany is going to birth a dragon if you do that,” Varric waves.

“That was one time.”

“One time too many. See you tomorrow Hawke.” With that Varric was gone leaving Hawke to wave at nothing and feeling like an idiot.

Hawke stopped waving eventually and sighed before making his way down to the hanged man. No witty banter to keep him from falling to his own thoughts and the anniversary of all the worst mistakes he ever made. Thoughts that popped up as he started his drinking on how his selfish behaviors had resulted in his life now.

Back then, he really had tried to please everyone but mostly one person. Fenris had his heart since he’d ripped out another man’s. He wanted him with his entire being and of course it led to trying to please him. It hadn’t worked of course.

Fenris had left him after that wonderful night together, gotten mad over the gifts Hawke had brought him, and had almost gone to blows with him when everything had gone to shit. To avoid that, as well as trying to contain the situation he’d sided with the Templars, and that one selfish desire to please fenris had resulted in Anders death by hawke’s hands.

Every day since then ate at him, and Fenris never looked at him again. Not that Hawke thought he deserved it. In fact he didn’t deserve anything. Not the crown, not the money and especially not the stupid statue made in his honor.

These thoughts swirled for hours as Hawke drank. The more he thought the more retirement to the countryside sounded appealing. In his drunken state he mused of becoming an elf root farmer just so he could send a supply to Merrill and his sister. He was pretty sure this was his best idea as he stumbled home. Losing his way a bit as he somehow managed to end up at the statue erected in his honor.

Hawke glared up at it and hissed out, “you’re a fucking moron. Champion of Kirkwall? More like dumbass of Kirkwall. Killed your friend, made one leave by not trusting you, and offended the man you love to where he wants nothing to do with you besides a few hellos every other month. You’re a right selfish bastard, and you’ve got no right being the viscount of this place!”

Hawke’s voice rose steadily as he talked to the statue until he was basically yelling. He kicked a rock sending it flying at the statue. He missed by a long shot but it still gave him a bit of satisfaction. That is till his guilt had him sinking down and landing ungracefully onto his ass.

“You’re a right mess Garrett Hawke,” he said to himself as his eyes grew wet.

“I see you’ve finally gained some self awareness,” A gravelly voice said from behind him. He turned, and a pain ached about his chest as he caught sight of Fenris. Leaning against a wall, was Fenris, hair cropped a little bit shorter since the last time he saw him. Still as handsome as ever to hawke.

“Yes, well… took me long enough,” Hawke sighed as he attempted to stand up, only stumbling a bit in his inebriated state, “a year in charge of this city finally made me wise it seems. How much of that did you hear?”

“A good portion of it” Fenris added as he walked forward.

“Yes… ah well… I’ve never been good with handling my mouth,” Hawke paused as Fenris stopped a small distance away from him, “how have you been Fenris? You look wonderful. Oh, I shouldn’t have said that… H-Have the slaver hunts been treating you well?”

“Busy mostly. Unfortunately I haven’t caused the fall of the Tevinter imperium but that doesn’t deter me,” Fenris said with a tilt of his head giving Hawke a good look over, “how much have you had to drink tonight?”

Hawke held up his hands and started counting before losing track. He held up his hands to Fenris, “this many… but fingermath is hard.”

Fenris took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Hawke couldn’t help but pay attention, his heart giving a bit of flutter when those eyes opened to take a good look at him.

“Let me take you home.”

“Maker, please,” Hawke said wistfully.

“Not that way Hawke.”

“No I didn’t… Fuck I just meant… I need the help. I don’t think I can tell my lefts and rights, and-and I honestly can’t remember where home still is. I wasn’t trying- Maker no. I respect your decision. I do. Just feet, and streets, and drinks… very much hard right now.”

Fenris gave a deep chuckle at his rambling then moved in to put Hawke’s arm around his shoulders. With the strength of a man who swung a sword larger than himself, he hefted the large man with grace to guide him back home.

It was nice. The breeze that drifted in off the bay pushing the usual stink of the city back to give them fresh air as they walked. It was quiet as well. It seemed even the usual deviants were keen to staying away so close to the anniversary of their city’s worst tragedy. The two men kept quiet most of the walk. Hawke concentrated mostly on his own feet as to make sure he didn’t bring them both down in the process. It was when they reached Hightown that Hawke spoke up.

“Uh… where will you be staying tonight?”

“I figured the mansion I usually stay in.”

“Oh good. It’s… it’s a bit better than when you were last here.”

Fenris gave Hawke a look, “What did you do?”

“Nothing! Well, I may have, well, cleaned up a bit… bought the place as well sooo noonewouldmovein.”

“Hawke.”

“They were considering selling it off to some noblemen and I may have panicked a bit because I know you like to still come visit Varric and you always stay in the mansion. I couldn’t just let anyone buy it up. I’ve got this lump sum I’m doing nothing with, and I’ve still got loads so it’s no problem. I’m still getting paid for odd jobs too. Then afterwards I went and I forgot about the skeletons, and I just,” Hawke gave a pause in his rambling to take a deep breath, “I just wanted you to have a place to call home when you come back from your trips.”

The two of them had stopped walking now. Fenris looking up at Hawke, searching for something. Hawke could feel his own face warm up under the gaze. He felt the fool once more.

“You're a fool,” Fenris said voicing Hawke’s own thoughts as they continued walking. Falling back into an awkward silence on Hawke’s part.

As they neared the Hawke home, Hawke sighed, “I really am a fool. Overstepping, pushing those close away, or worse literally murdering them. I’m sorry Fenris… for whatever Ive done to push you away.”

They stopped just outside the door of hawke’s mansion and Fenris sighed. He let Hawke’s arm drop, but didn’t leave immediately. Instead he seemed to compose his thoughts. “You… are a fool, but not for the reasons you think. You take responsibility for circumstances that are not your fault. Anders made his decision, you would have let him walk away. Helped him flee the city, but he didn’t listen. He made his choices. You also take blame for pushing people away, but really-”

He pauses.

“But really all they needed was to figure things out for themselves.”

Hawke looked at Fenris, and once more his heart fluttered at the look the elf gave him. It was a look that asked Hawke to understand what he meant. He hoped in his drunken state that he understood. He gave a bit of a nod that made Fenris reach up to run his fingers through the grey in his hair. He tucked one of the scraggly locks behind Hawke’s ear before pulling him down.

Hawke let him, and closed his eyes tightly. He felt warm lips not on his own, but press gently to his forehead. It made him ache something terrible as Fenris pulled back and helped him stand up straight again. Though his hand never left the grey.

The large man tried to search Fenris’ face for something, anything. Only to be interrupted by the door opening, and sudden light cutting into Hawke’s eyes. He gave a hiss until he saw Bodahn smiling up at them.

“Ah Serah Hawke, welcome home. And Serah Fenris, what a pleasant surprise. Will uh… will you be staying with us this night?” Bodahn asked.

“No, I was just making sure this one made it home.”

“Oh,I’m glad you were able to help. Wouldn’t want another incident. I do hope to see you around.”

“Incident?” Fenris asked as he finally removed his hand from Hawke’s hair to give him a look. Hawke winced. He didn’t know why everyone had to bring up the one time he’d been buck naked. He wasn’t that bad.

“Yes just a few months ago-“

“Nope he doesn’t need to hear about it,” Hawke cut in as he moved to head inside.

“You’ll have to tell me another time, Bodahn. I need to head home now. I've had a long trip. Give Sandal and Orana my regards.”

“I will Serah. They’ll both be glad to hear from you.”

“Good night.”

Bodahn smiled and then moved to help Hawke inside. Hawke never turning away from Fenris.

“Good night, Fenris,” Hawke said as he was partially dragged inside.

“Good night, Garrett.”

Fenris disappeared behind the closing door, and Hawke was guided up to his room. He fell asleep quickly, buried under blankets after drinking some water.

His last thoughts before sleep claimed him were of a simple kiss and the end of his time as Viscount.


End file.
